Self-Reflecting Sundays

Sometimes... every once in awhile...

I get to brag. about myself. about my kids. about my husband. our family.

Because I think that we are pretty awesome.

We are tough and we are fighters and we are fun and we love our family.

Those moments that I realize this and stop beating myself up for not being everything I think I have to be, or being exactly where we want to be are the best moments of life, for me at least.

I think that one of the hardest things in my life to overcome was my fear of...uhhh... shall we say, appearing to try? I never wanted anybody to see me try. Which I suppose might be part of my OCD/perfectionist tendencies. I used to have this theory that if I couldn't do it exactly the way it was supposed to be done, then I didn't want to do it at all. I was afraid of failure, I guess you could say.

I sabbotaged myself when things got hard because I couldn't admit to myself that I might need help. So instead of asking for help, I just flailed around like a fish outta water...maybe even like a beached whale or some other really unappealing vision. Ok not really, it was more like I decided that my iPod and my hoodie were my apart of my body and I checked out of life. I shut out friends and family who cared and teachers who wanted to help because I couldn't admit that I didn't understand Math and I hated Chemistry and I just wanted to sit in English class all day.

This kind of behavior kind of took over my life. It not only effected my grades, my social life, but also my self esteem, my body image, and my relationships.

I kid you not, one day I woke up and I finally realized that I didn't have to perfect, I just had to try. To be completely honest, it was probably a series of events and finally what some call "rock bottom" that triggered this but it certainly felt like it happened overnight.

Once I realized this, I embraced it and I started taking care of myself. I went to the Art Institute and I tried and I succeeded in a lot of ways and I failed in a lot of ways, and it was all okay. Obviously, right? Because here I am.

With all of that trying and failing and succeeding, I think (I hope) I became a better person. I think it was all preparation for motherhood. Because any mother knows you can fail 100 times before 10AM and it doesn't even matter because the minute you give up and sprawl out on the couch, these little people crawl up to you and kiss you and smother you with their tiny little bodies in displays of affection and you know you've succeeded.

So with all of that being said, you must know that I am a fighter. I don't give up easily and I'm not afraid of trying. I love my family and I'm a firm believer in the "Work Hard, Play Hard" motto. I am also not afraid to ask for help when things get to be more than I can handle. I try to learn from my mistakes, but I'm also a human so please don't hold it against me if I don't have it all figured out yet :)