Confessions of a Tinderella

I. am. so. excited.

To talk about this:

Dating. 

I gotta be honest, I had never been on a real date before. I often tell people when Eric and I met that he came over one night and never left. There was no dating. I think he went home to shower and get clothes once or twice in the first week, and after that it was basically game over.

I fed him lots of pizza, he was defenseless.

Our dates included Taco Time, pizza delivery, and late night Pita Pit runs. We were young and dumb and just wanted to party. We preferred to hold beer pong tournaments and endless nights of Kings Cup at our apartment. We were content and broke and dates just weren't appealing to us. After we mellowed out and our kids were born we did have a few "date nights" but it's really hard to consider going to get dinner with your own money, a date. It takes the fun out of ordering a $10 margarita.

A throwback to what we refer to as our "dating" days:

Our first Valentines Day, we were in the middle of apartment hunting and I was trying not to seem high maintenance, which of course was my first mistake. There are things I am not high maintenance in, such as my appearance (Yikes. I'm trying to be better about going in public looking homeless) and there are things I am high maintenance about, and getting attention from my man is on the top of that list. One thing I have learned about Eric in the past 7 or so years, is that HE'S NOT PRETENDING TO BE DUMB. Jk, jk. He's very smart. But men lack the ability to be mind readers and pick up on things-- such as the THE FOLDER ON THE COMPUTER THAT SAYS "ASHLEY'S CHRISTMAS WISHLIST"-- next relationship, I'll print it out and tape it to the toilet. Men always want something to read while they sit on the toilet.

Anyway... end tangeant. We spent the first half of Valentines Day with me sitting on the couch in a silent rage texting my BFF about what a jerk Eric was being, while he obliviously played video games with his friend. After he finally realized that I was dead silent, which is very rare and a sure sign that I'm secretly plotting your death in my head... he suggested we leave. I think we got half a mile before I snapped some sassy remark about WTF our plans were going to be, in which his response was "You said you didn't really care!" Ha, ha. Men.

We ended up at some fancy restaurant for $50 a plate and left pissed that we didn't just order a pizza.

So that sums up my dating experience.

Until I got this bright idea that I was going to break up with a guy that I was still completely in love with (You can read about him, here). You think you grow out of the game playing and then you start not getting your way and here we are, back in 8th grade expecting men to understand that when we break up with you it's because you're doing something wrong and you should change it and find your way to back to us in a very romantic display of affection. Duh.

I had heard nothing about Tinder except that a coworker had met hot girls off of it.
I downloaded the app at about midnight on a Friday night and within a couple hours I had something like 72 prospects. Holy hell, that was fun.

For those that don't know, Tinder is an app. Oh, I should mention a FREE app. Which means anyone with a smartphone can have one. Anyone. You pick guys (or girls, whatever) solely on their 5 pictures they're allowed and their quick bio. You swipe left which means "Nope" or right which means "Maybe" "Not sure" "He has a truck and a dog?! Future husband" "You'll do" or "You're hot, but I have nothing to say to you".

Things I've learned about the selection process:

• There is no regret like accidentally swiping left on what should have been a right. 
• The guys that have shirtless selfies are the most likely to send you the "Hey, whats up?!" message...in which you will look at and not think about again until the next time they write "Hey!"
• Group pictures: They either don't want you to know which one they are and hope you think they are the cute friend (which they're not) or they're stuck in college and want you to know what a bro they are and all the friends they have. (I have two... soooo your quantity of friends means nothing to me)
• That guy that you have fun convo with but aren't sure because his pictures are hard to tell what he looks like.... you should date. He will be a fun date and even it doesn't work out, you might get lucky and snag a new friend out of it. (which would have upped my count to 3 if he didn't turn out to be such a douche)
• Dont swipe left on people you know. It creates awkwardness. Like, wait... did they swipe because they know me...or because they're into me. I'm just going to unmatch immediately and pretend that didn't happen. 
• Tinder is used for hookups. No matter what they say. The end. (Sorry, Dad)

Once you're done with the swiping, you match with people. So people look at your 5 vainest selfies and read your short but sweet, quirky bio which hopefully gives off a vibe that you're not trying too hard but you're also not a drone and they either swipe left or right with shallow insight, just as you did. Inside their head they've already got their image of you before they've even talked to you. 

Then the communication starts and that's where it gets weird. and fun. and awkward. I never had any intention of meeting anyone off of this so I was surprised when I agreed to give this guy my number. And then meet him 2 days later. After agreeing to meet him, I kinda panicked and immediately told him that I am friends with half the Tacoma Police Department and I have SWAT on speed dial. He overlooked the crazy, and ensured me he would not take me out into the woods and stuff me in a body bag. Phew.  

While that guy (which some of you might remember as the "future 2nd husband") obviously didn't work out, and neither did the next 8, 9, or 15 others. .. I continued to have positive experiences, so I kept at it. It wasn't until I started to realize a pattern with these guys that I started to get frustrated with the whole dating process. And I also eventually deciphered the meaning of "I'm not looking for a hookup, but hey do you want to meet up for drinks?" which is exactly, "I'm looking for a hookup, but if the date goes well, I might call for a second one." 

Ladies and gentlemen, no self respecting person that thinks you have the potential to be in their future would offer or settle for drinks. If you can't buy me an entire god damn salad, you probably can't fill up my gas tank either, and what else are boyfriends for?

Like I said,  I had no prior dating experience! I had no idea what to expect, I didn't quite realize what jerks men could be and I didn't realize how bad I am at letting a guy down easy.

So after a couple months packed full of Tinder dates, I was overwhelmed and quite honestly, having a hard time keeping them straight. Nothing was feeling genuine because I couldn't remember if the guy lived in Gig Harbor or Seattle, and wait, which one is from Montana? So I took a step back and started screening my dates a little bit more cautiously. As in, I started saying no. I limited it to one guy at a time (this sounds like the obvious thing to do, but when 6 or 7 guys are messaging you daily, it's hard to pick just one). I stopped swiping all the time, and in fact, actually deleted my account off and on for several weeks at a time.

The further I got from my fairy tale relationship that was quickly turning into a nasty breakup, the more I realized what I needed to do. Dating is all about mindset. What you put out there is what you get and I wasn't putting out anything I would have wanted.

I started thinking of the places I was in when I met guys that I eventually had healthy relationships with, and I realized the key ingredient was me. So I took a break. I'm working on moving on from both my divorce and my last relationship and focusing on myself, my kids, and getting back into the gym. I haven't given up dating entirely, I'm just not putting my energy into it as much.

And that, my friends is only a sneak peak into the beginning of my dating adventures.

(I have no idea why it didn't work out with anyone and I'm still single.)

Look for my next dating post, where I introduce the 

"Men you meet on Tinder"