All my friends are getting married.

All my friends are getting married and I'm just stocking up on self-help books, dating Mr. Right Now and getting so drunk I can't find my phone. Oh and a divorce. I'm getting a divorce!

... I feel like the plague.

My divorce was the best thing that happened to me (besides my kids) and my marriage was the second, (besides my kids). So, in order that makes the minions to be the best thing, the divorce second and the marriage 3rd. I have no bitterness or sadness about that, and it doesn't make me any less happy for my friends that are getting married. None of their engagements weren't all THAT surprising...You know how people say you just know. So do us friends. It has all felt very natural, like the next thing to happen for them. I could not imagine them with anyone else and I am beyond thrilled for them. Do I still worry about them? Yes. Maybe it's the motherly nature I've developed, or maybe its my experience. But either way, I am worried.

I married the right guy and I still got divorced.

It's been a tradition amongst me and my friends for a long time for me to be the one that dives in head first only to realize it's a pond, not a lake and I come up with a bloody head and a concussion. They learn from my mistakes. So for tradition sake, and because I love these people more than words could ever express... as well, as kinda like standing on a soap box every now and then... here's some marriage advice from a soon-to-be divorce'...

To my knowledge,  my divorce had nothing to do with my lack of baking skills...although one can never be too sure. 

It is no secret that I openly tell people that I love my husband. Err...soon to be ex-husband. You know, the one that I am divorcing, have lived a separate life from for over 2 years now, and the same one that I refuse to work things out with. The way I describe it now is "unconditional love". Nobody pisses me off more and there's not any other soul I would go to the end of the world for. But if you ask me to live in the same house again, I'll politely say I have other plans. (I'm also in love with a different man some days, so don't get this all twisted.)

Aw, aren't we cute! So, like... Why did we get divorced?

Well, that's none of your business. But the real reason we got divorced is this:

• While we had a great relationship, we were the best of friends and I believe he may just have been "the one"... we didn't have the tools we needed to learn how to function when we didn't agree. And we didn't agree on a lot of things.
• While we were busy baby-making, producing those babies, and tending to their every need, we forgot about taking care of each other.
• The little things became the big things.

Of course, I didn't know any of this WHILE I was married.

So first, let me preface this: Marriage a balancing act, so don't be surprised when some of this contradicts the other And if you've heard it a million times, I'm sorry for that too but it just means I'm as wise now as the rest of the world tried to make me 5 years, so read this and take it to heart because I'm not getting paid for this.

& FINALLY:

1. Go to bed mad sometimes if you must. If it's 4am and you have to work at 6, call it a night and vow to come back to it. Don't sweep it under the rug, but a fresh head might help. THE COUCH IS OFF LIMITS. You wanna go to bed mad, that's your choice but you get to share the bed with that infuriating human being because you actually love them and they just really make you mad sometimes. Also, you might wake up to find that the other person is cuddling you in their sleep :)

2. The little things become the big things, both good and bad. Don't forget all the little things that made your heart race. Don't ALWAYS overlook the little annoyances. If it's a big deal to your spouse, but it's not to you...take that to heart, and make an effort.

3. PICK YOUR BATTLES. Express your feelings, but realize that sometimes it's best to let it go. Like, say if he always puts his boxers just outside of the hamper, instead of in it. Let that one go and focus on getting to places on time.

3. Date night: you HAVE to do it. Even if you're tired and you don't want to get dressed. Redbox & your couch do not qualify as date night. Neither does the restaurant you take your (future) kids to.

4. Learn to say you're sorry and what that word means. Sorry means you won't do it again (this is what I tell my 3 &5 year olds, but it's the truth. Sorry means nothing if you keep doing it and use the word only for forgiveness).

5. The marriage comes before the kids. Can.Not.Stress.This.Enough.

6. Don't let sweatpants get the best of you. Yeah, I'm talking to you.

7. Learn how to argue. Without yelling. without name calling. Read all the books, see all the therapists. Do whatever you can to learn how to have a healthy argument. This is so important. There will be stressful times. You will argue.

8. Develop interests together. Don't get boring. Getting comfortable is awesome! It's the best part of marriage, but getting lazy and boring is not good for anyone. This also doesn't include family activities when the kids come. This is strictly for the two of you to do just the two of you, or with another couple occasionally if you choose.

9. Have your own interests. This doesn't mean liking your own show. This means find something that makes you happy. That you can go and do when you need some space.

10. This one is tricky so here's the best advice I can offer on this subject: Choose wisely who AND WHAT you vent to/about. It's not healthy to bottle everything in but venting to your Mom or all of your friends about EVERYTHING isn't good either. Venting to coworkers is a no go, and that random new friend that is attractive is a no go as well. You cant vent to me and I'll nod and smile and pretend to listen and I'm really good at not taking sides. You'll get it out of your system, I'll get free wine. It's a win win. That's what I'm here for.

11. If you never stop doing what you did to win this person over, you'll never lose them.

12. Love is like your favorite comfy sweatshirt. You have to take really good care of it to make it last so long. (you also can't get fat. Don't do that anyway, unless there's a baby in you.)

13. Don't forget about your friends. Ok, this one had a slightly ulterior motive. But don't forget about me!!!

And last but not least....

Sometimes... the worse, comes before the better.

Hindsight is 20/20 and if I had known what I know now, I would have done things differently. I would have listened to the advice that was given, I would have backed down a few times, and I would have tried a little harder. But I didn't and now I'm here and maybe this is why... so that I can help my friends determine what is and isn't worth it, and share my insight. I'm not nearly as expensive as a professional counselor, I only want your company and free wine.

xoxo,
Best wishes, congrats, good luck, break a leg, etc etc to all of my soon to be wed friends!!

Self Help: Get the F*ck Over It

I spend a lot of time thinking about my "About Me" section on various dating sites that I don't really use for any reason other than its nice to get messages from guys that think I'm attractive. Who cares if they haven't seen the inside of a gym, or a shower in years. Oh hey 48 year old man with a beer belly 3 times the size of my ass... I'm super glad you like my hammock. I mean it's great that you would like to get to know me and have dropped your unique pick up line that you created strictly for this site. Really, it is. I'm flattered and I'm also never going to respond.

Anyway, I frequently contemplate what to write. Is it too crazy to just flat out write "I'M A F*CKING PSCYHO" or should I be somewhat more nonchalant about it "All good things are wild & free"-- which is code for I'm a crazy ass b*tch. I've noticed, the less you write...the more messages you get. They all say the same thing "You're so mysterious." "I'm so curious about you" blah blah blah. So I like to lay it all out there, like really let them know what they're getting into. Less messages to sift through. 

                                   

"Hi, my name is Ashley. If we go on a date and you treat me like crap, I will blog about it and blame my single status on the sole basis that all men are the same, therefore you will single handedly be responsible for men sucking everywhere."

Anyway.

Did you know what I'm a self-help book lover? I bet you didn't. You probably just think I have all this wisdom from my extensive life experience full of 27 years of bad judgement. Nope. Everything I learned, I learned in the self-help aisle. (also known as the wine aisle)

But seriously. Whenever I have been in the depths of emotions, despair...when I CANT EVEN.. I head to Barnes and Noble and stock up on a load of self-help books.

CLEARLY THEY'RE NOT DOING THEIR JOB.

So as I'm browsing Amazon for help on getting over my latest love affair. OH WAIT, you mean the one I wrote about 6 months ago? Yeah, that one... I realize that while I've been putting books into my cart, I've also just written the best About Me I can think of, via book titles:

"Don't worry, it gets worse"
"My boyfriend wrote a book about me"
"Psychos"
"White Girl Problems"
"I was told there'd be cake"
"Life as I Blow it"
"Bitter is the new black"
"You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning"

If this doesn't accurately depict my life... then I don't know what does.

I scanned past all of the titles
"Rebuilding"
"Getting past your breakup"

aka how to suffocate.

I wish I could find my answers in a book like that. But I can't.

I'm looking for a book that is going to slap me in the face and tell me to "Get the F*ck over it"

So instead of drowning myself in boring advice that may actually help me, I indulge in hilarious novels that make me feel better about myself. I get to read about inappropriate things that don't have my name stamped across it, laugh my ass off at someone else's misfortune, and get my self-help by the gaining the knowledge that I'm not the only seriously f*cked up person out there, because someone had to write that and tons of people are reading it. Solidarity, my crazy friends.

But seriously, can someone write a book for me so I can reference back to it every other hour when I need to be reminded to get the f*ck over it. He's just a boy.

Please & thank you.

2 Year Celebration!

2 years!!!!!

Since my little life got flip turned upside down.

Kind crazy to think about-- It feels like yesterday and an entire lifetime ago all at the same time.

I will never stop celebrating. I will never stop feeling grateful for each and every moment I spend in this "new life". I will forever be grateful for all the stones in the road. I am building a castle. (Didn't you hear stones are expensive these days?)

They say you don't find your strength without the struggle. Well, the struggle over here has been realer than real. But it's said for a reason. It isn't until you're 11 hours deep into a shift after pulling an all nighter from doing homework, or trying to find childcare 25 minutes before you have to be at work, selling baby items for gas money that you realize... I'm going to be okay. No matter what.

I'm going to be okay because this is what I want. I chose this. The weight that was lifted, and the security and confidence that came with my choices is worth all the long days, the seriously endless pile of laundry, and the missing picket fence.

My transition from Stay-at-Home Mom and Housewife to Single Mother has been less than easy.

I survived because of endless living room dance parties to "Shake it Off", because of great friends who just asked "What do you need? How can I help". Because of Mimosa's and brunch in the same clothes as last night. I survived because of little baby feet in my face, goodnight texts, hammocks, porch parties, and great neighbors. People I just met believing in me, my PIMA family. I survived because I hit my feet to the pavement over and over, found my passion, found myself. Because of all the people that wanted to see me fail. I saw their faces in the back of my mind each and every time I wanted to give up.

So for that, I celebrate! I try to be grateful each and every day, and I try to remember. My journey won't be easy, but there is a reason behind it and that reason gives me the strength I need when I want to chuck plates at the wall.

Home is anywhere I make it.

Things will never be perfect. I will always have to explain why I can't go with them to Daddy's house. I will always have to explain why we take separate trips. And some day I'm going to have to explain why Mommy and Daddy decided to live apart.

BUT GUESS WHAT!!

My parents did it. Some of my friends parents did it.
I think we're all okay.

"A little messed up, but we're all okay"

& guess what else...

There is life. There is love. There is hot sex. There is laughter. There is peace. There is family.

....after divorce.

Marriage is glamorized. Being a hard working single mother is glamorized.

Nobody talks about, blogs about, photographs the late nights where they're crying and arguing with a spouse, crying because they know they're only going to get 4 hours of sleep, they don't reveal the loneliness that can occur in and out of marriages, the financial and emotional strain that comes with children. Who wants to post about their long DSHS call while their single, childless friends post about how some guy at the gas station was using their tax dollars to buy food, who wants to take a picture of the baby puke that just flew all over them in the middle of the night, the moments that make you question your ability to parent all at the same time, because somebody might call CPS. Nobody posts the thoughts that make them wonder if they're cut out for motherhood. Or the thoughts that make you think you should've just been a stripper....(not my thoughts, I swear.....#ihatemath)...

& that's okay. Because who wants to dwell in that?

Let's celebrate!

#HAPPYTWOYEARS!

Less House More Home

Something I've been working on since the big separation/move is grasping and accepting the idea that I do not need everything. I don't need a big fancy house or a big fancy car. I don't need to have all the things.

I have everything I need.

(this does not change me from wanting all of the things)

I'm trying to create my life from the inside out. It doesn't look like much... but it is.

You may remember my post about my very first Single Mama Apartment-- when I moved out here, I had a couple twin mattresses and nothing on my walls.

Things have changed.

I've created a home.

With our upcoming move... I couldn't help but feel nostalgic about this place I lovingly refer to as the ghetto.

My babies turned into little boys in this place; Tristan learned to ride his bike in this driveway (and we didn't get shot), Ryan learned the fine art of dragging the chair into the kitchen to get what you want, I completed my first ever educational program (for those that don't know--didn't graduate high school, college dropout), and got my first big kid job...and then we all survived my commute, (and each other) for several months. Tristan learned to pee in the potty, and dress himself. I blinked and he learned to zip his coat up and put his own shoes on. I blinked and Ryan ate the whole tub of peanut butter. He went from barely being able to say 2, to never shutting up. Mommy learned that Champagne has calories. 

I love this place. From the outside, it's nothing special. It's a crap neighborhood and a crap building, but we've done just fine here and I have cherished every moment inside this little apartment.

But there is no feeling in the world like going home.  

You know when you're little and you pack your bag and announce that you're "running away!" and your Mom says, "Well, I will miss you." and helps you pack your bag. You sit on the driveway for 20 whole minutes before you finally give up and go in. But not without thinking "Well, I showed her. Next time, I'll actually leave!"

You want to run away so somebody notices, or something like that. You're young, you're dumb. Your Mom just doesn't get it, clearly. But you know she loves you and it will break her heart if you leave.

That's what it was like for me. Except I didn't sit on the driveway. Actually I did a few times, and then one day I just never went home. It wasn't a big plan, it was a split second decision and I went with it. I went with it every day until it was too late to go home.

I just ran away.

And then I had to start over. And I had to cope with what I did. And my God, it sucked.

I am not a crier...(unless you give me some alcohol and then I'll cry because you looked at me funny or because Chloe isn't allowed to sleep on the bed and I simply can't understand why we made that rule, it's so mean). Instead I lay on the floor with my headphones and I turn the volume up until I drown out my thoughts... I go through several headphones yearly.

So when I finally got the job offer, I did a little happy dance and then sat on the floor and cried.

Happy tears. I finally realized that this empty feeling I've been carrying around felt a lot like being homesick. And moving to my hometown will be the closest thing to home I have been in almost 2 years. And then I cried some more. Like, had to re-do my makeup, ugly cry.

I am relieved, to say the least. I feel like I'm closing a chapter. We'll call it the 'Lost Years' so that I have a name for the shit show my life has been.

Of course, it hasn't been a total loss. Somewhere in this big mess that I made, I began to find things. I found my old self. The one that didn't have to go to play dates, or story time or keep up with Jones'. I found a boy that taught me that being paid attention to is nice, and I quite enjoy it. I found that my friends can be are the family I lost. I found that I can still be myself, and be a Mom.

I'm not totally there yet, but I'm on my way.

So with all that sappy sh*t, I thought I'd share my happy place.

This place, with these kids, brought me such joy in some of the darkest times of my life.

Enjoy :)

It was a good day when I got a bed. 

You don't even want to know how I transported it in my little 2 door Honda. 

It's safe to say that my bed is the favorite. 

Most nights I am joined by at least one little body, and occasionally two. Sometimes I laugh when I wake up to find that one of them has sprawled out at the foot of the bed and one is upside down. One morning I woke up to find that even Chloe had joined us (which she is not allowed to do) and I wasn't even mad. I didn't want to get out of bed. It's cozy this way. 

Of course, just because certain things in my life have changed, doesn't mean I've completely changed. I still love a good trip to Ikea, a day full of Pinterest projects, and of course overspending at Target. 

I have put my heart into making this place my own, and I love the way it's turned out. 

Granted, I am still working on convincing the landlord to rip the carpet up...

But I like it here. It's home.

And just for fun, I made this video last summer and never posted it. An official home tour! :

We are happy here. 

We are kind of bursting at the seams, but it just reminds us that we do not need all the things.

Let them be little; let them be wild

Let them be a little wild 

On Hiking with Toddlers:

A little bit about my history with this great state, hiking and the PNW:

I've spent my life in Washington; a true Seattlelite and PNW-er by nature. I like my Starbucks and I grew up wearing socks with my sandals. I grew up in the Issaquah area, and spent some time in the city after high school. Born in Seattle, lived in Spokane for a few years as a toddler, moved back in the middle of Kindergarden. My grandpa built this gorgeous home (where my mother, an Issaquah High Alumni was raised) on Lake McDonald in Renton, and my grandparents were currently renting it out so they let my mom and her two rambunctious kids live there while she searched for a home. After about a year, my mom bought a nice big house in North Bend with a 1/2 acre yard, just about a mile from Rattlesnake Lake/Ridge. If you stood in my backyard and looked up, there was Mt. Si. 

Being a true Issaquah native, my mother could imagine nothing but the best for her children and therefore she commuted us from North Bend to Issaquah for school so we could get an education and do something with our lives. (Someday, she will get over the disappointment)

Eventually I think the commute was wearing on her, and she gave in and moved us to the city of Issaquah when I was in 6th grade. 

 My mom is more of a mall going kind of woman-- she used to wear boots with heels to our soccer games;  you know... a grassy field full of mud puddles and potholes. (We love her anyway) So had it not been for one of my best friends mother... I may never have seen anything but the inside of a mall. 

Anyway, I spent a fair amount of time with my friend and her mother hiking (and swimming at) Rattlesnake, Little Si, playing down by the river with lots of tanning oil, and endless hours on the trails on Tiger Mountain and the Poo Poo Point trails, and probably plenty others that I don't remember... but eventually grew out of these things and had other interests such as lip gloss, boys, Myspace, underage drinking. 

So while I am not a seasoned hiker, and haven't done a lot of the hikes I feel that I should have (guilt from living here my whole life)... I am also no stranger to it. I decided last year I wanted my boys to have this same kind of opportunity presented to them. Some of my best memories are laughing so hard you realize you have to pee and you're in the middle of the woods. Life lessons 101: learning to pee in the wilderness. You don't know you like something unless you do it, right? (Hiking, not peeing in public)

I was nervous about Ryan running off the top of the mountain. No, seriously. This was a true fear. If you've met Ryan, you know exactly why. But by the time we got to the top, the kid could barely keep his eyes open and his legs could go no further. 

Things I learned on the trail with two toddlers:

1. The crew is the most important part; I am lucky enough to have the most patient friend in the world, and she has met an awesome guy and the two of them are such amazing people in my kids lives.  Seriously, when I count my blessings, these two are at the top of the list. They were so patient with the pace of the kids, and the little tantrums Ryan began to throw when he was just about done. I lack patience and they are serious examples to me. Plus I get annoyed with the constant stream of questions on a daily basis so it's nice to have other people for the kids to talk to. 

2. You can never bring enough water. Seriously. I brought each of us a water bottle, and an extra water bottle and they were all empty by the time we got to the bottom. 

3. I should have carried a bigger bag; hiking with toddlers means trips and falls. While I did pack bandaids and rubbing alcohol, I should have carried a travel emergency kit as well, and a change of clothes for both kids plus wipes (even if your kid isn't in a pullup/diaper-- for mud). I only packed a change of clothes for one, and we used it. Also, garbage bags. For the wet, muddy clothes. 

4. You can never have too many snacks. Fuel while going up, not just at the top. 

5. It's not about the time it takes to get up there. The whole point of taking kids is to teach them and let them take it all in. They hear new noises and they want to know what it is. This is where my crew came in. I'm not so patient with these things (honestly, sometimes I just respond with a "yeah" when my kids talk too much"). 

6. Be prepared to carry one. or both. Luckily, I just had to carry Ryan. He just couldn't quite make it all the way. On the way down, he was all songs and laughter for the first 10 minutes and then I heard a little buzz in my ear and sure enough, the kid was out cold the rest of the way down. But in retrospect, had one of them gotten too tired, and one had gotten hurt... they would have both needed to be carried. So my advice is to plan for that. If there's 3 adults, you don't need 3 backpacks. 

7. TOWELS! For your car. Kicked myself for forgetting this. Especially if you bring your dog. 

We had so much fun and I can't wait to plan the next hike with them!