Mommy Needs a Mimosa: Less House More Home

Something I've been working on since the big separation/move is grasping and accepting the idea that I do not need everything. I don't need a big fancy house or a big fancy car. I don't need to have all the things.

I have everything I need.

(this does not change me from wanting all of the things)

I'm trying to create my life from the inside out. It doesn't look like much... but it is.

You may remember my post about my very first Single Mama Apartment-- when I moved out here, I had a couple twin mattresses and nothing on my walls.

Things have changed.

I've created a home.

With our upcoming move... I couldn't help but feel nostalgic about this place I lovingly refer to as the ghetto.

My babies turned into little boys in this place; Tristan learned to ride his bike in this driveway (and we didn't get shot), Ryan learned the fine art of dragging the chair into the kitchen to get what you want, I completed my first ever educational program (for those that don't know--didn't graduate high school, college dropout), and got my first big kid job...and then we all survived my commute, (and each other) for several months. Tristan learned to pee in the potty, and dress himself. I blinked and he learned to zip his coat up and put his own shoes on. I blinked and Ryan ate the whole tub of peanut butter. He went from barely being able to say 2, to never shutting up. Mommy learned that Champagne has calories.

I love this place. From the outside, it's nothing special. It's a crap neighborhood and a crap building, but we've done just fine here and I have cherished every moment inside this little apartment.

But there is no feeling in the world like going home.

You know when you're little and you pack your bag and announce that you're "running away!" and your Mom says, "Well, I will miss you." and helps you pack your bag. You sit on the driveway for 20 whole minutes before you finally give up and go in. But not without thinking "Well, I showed her. Next time, I'll actually leave!"

You want to run away so somebody notices, or something like that. You're young, you're dumb. Your Mom just doesn't get it, clearly. But you know she loves you and it will break her heart if you leave.

That's what it was like for me. Except I didn't sit on the driveway. Actually I did a few times, and then one day I just never went home. It wasn't a big plan, it was a split second decision and I went with it. I went with it every day until it was too late to go home.

I just ran away.

And then I had to start over. And I had to cope with what I did. And my God, it sucked.

I am not a crier...(unless you give me some alcohol and then I'll cry because you looked at me funny or because Chloe isn't allowed to sleep on the bed and I simply can't understand why we made that rule, it's so mean). Instead I lay on the floor with my headphones and I turn the volume up until I drown out my thoughts... I go through several headphones yearly.

So when I finally got the job offer, I did a little happy dance and then sat on the floor and cried.

Happy tears. I finally realized that this empty feeling I've been carrying around felt a lot like being homesick. And moving to my hometown will be the closest thing to home I have been in almost 2 years. And then I cried some more. Like, had to re-do my makeup, ugly cry.

I am relieved, to say the least. I feel like I'm closing a chapter. We'll call it the 'Lost Years' so that I have a name for the shit show my life has been.

Of course, it hasn't been a total loss. Somewhere in this big mess that I made, I began to find things. I found my old self. The one that didn't have to go to play dates, or story time or keep up with Jones'. I found a boy that taught me that being paid attention to is nice, and I quite enjoy it. I found that my friends ~~can be~~ are the family I lost. I found that I can still be myself, and be a Mom.

I'm not totally there yet, but I'm on my way.

So with all that sappy sh*t, I thought I'd share my happy place.

This place, with these kids, brought me such joy in some of the darkest times of my life.

Enjoy :)

It was a good day when I got a bed.

You don't even want to know how I transported it in my little 2 door Honda.

It's safe to say that my bed is the favorite.

Most nights I am joined by at least one little body, and occasionally two. Sometimes I laugh when I wake up to find that one of them has sprawled out at the foot of the bed and one is upside down. One morning I woke up to find that even Chloe had joined us (which she is not allowed to do) and I wasn't even mad. I didn't want to get out of bed. It's cozy this way.

Of course, just because certain things in my life have changed, doesn't mean I've completely changed. I still love a good trip to Ikea, a day full of Pinterest projects, and of course overspending at Target.

I have put my heart into making this place my own, and I love the way it's turned out.

Granted, I am still working on convincing the landlord to rip the carpet up...

But I like it here. It's home.