Self Help: Get the F*ck Over It

I spend a lot of time thinking about my "About Me" section on various dating sites that I don't really use for any reason other than its nice to get messages from guys that think I'm attractive. Who cares if they haven't seen the inside of a gym, or a shower in years. Oh hey 48 year old man with a beer belly 3 times the size of my ass... I'm super glad you like my hammock. I mean it's great that you would like to get to know me and have dropped your unique pick up line that you created strictly for this site. Really, it is. I'm flattered and I'm also never going to respond.

Anyway, I frequently contemplate what to write. Is it too crazy to just flat out write "I'M A F*CKING PSCYHO" or should I be somewhat more nonchalant about it "All good things are wild & free"-- which is code for I'm a crazy ass b*tch. I've noticed, the less you write...the more messages you get. They all say the same thing "You're so mysterious." "I'm so curious about you" blah blah blah. So I like to lay it all out there, like really let them know what they're getting into. Less messages to sift through. 

                                   

"Hi, my name is Ashley. If we go on a date and you treat me like crap, I will blog about it and blame my single status on the sole basis that all men are the same, therefore you will single handedly be responsible for men sucking everywhere."

Anyway.

Did you know what I'm a self-help book lover? I bet you didn't. You probably just think I have all this wisdom from my extensive life experience full of 27 years of bad judgement. Nope. Everything I learned, I learned in the self-help aisle. (also known as the wine aisle)

But seriously. Whenever I have been in the depths of emotions, despair...when I CANT EVEN.. I head to Barnes and Noble and stock up on a load of self-help books.

CLEARLY THEY'RE NOT DOING THEIR JOB.

So as I'm browsing Amazon for help on getting over my latest love affair. OH WAIT, you mean the one I wrote about 6 months ago? Yeah, that one... I realize that while I've been putting books into my cart, I've also just written the best About Me I can think of, via book titles:

"Don't worry, it gets worse"
"My boyfriend wrote a book about me"
"Psychos"
"White Girl Problems"
"I was told there'd be cake"
"Life as I Blow it"
"Bitter is the new black"
"You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning"

If this doesn't accurately depict my life... then I don't know what does.

I scanned past all of the titles
"Rebuilding"
"Getting past your breakup"

aka how to suffocate.

I wish I could find my answers in a book like that. But I can't.

I'm looking for a book that is going to slap me in the face and tell me to "Get the F*ck over it"

So instead of drowning myself in boring advice that may actually help me, I indulge in hilarious novels that make me feel better about myself. I get to read about inappropriate things that don't have my name stamped across it, laugh my ass off at someone else's misfortune, and get my self-help by the gaining the knowledge that I'm not the only seriously f*cked up person out there, because someone had to write that and tons of people are reading it. Solidarity, my crazy friends.

But seriously, can someone write a book for me so I can reference back to it every other hour when I need to be reminded to get the f*ck over it. He's just a boy.

Please & thank you.