How Not to Deal with a Breakup

A few things before I let you all laugh at me for a few minutes:

Laughter is the best medicine. 

If you can't laugh at yourself, someone else will. 

With that being said, I wake up every day and shake my head at some of the things I do and say. I lack a filter, I'm 27 with a newly developed social anxiety, and on top of all that... I am at the core, myself. Which is someone who may briefly care what others may think, and then I snap at out of it and go back to being myself... I have always, and will always do what I want. Regardless of what anyone else thinks. So with that fiest and fire in me... I make a lot of mistakes, I do a lot of weird/stupid/crazy sh*t and sometimes I'm like 'Hell yeah! That was awesome' and other times... it's a palm to my face. So I end up laughing at myself a lot, and I love the friends that I have that laugh with me, not at me.

If you want to laugh at me, go for it. I won't know. Don't be that person. Don't bother reading this, don't bother following me on social media. Here's the great thing: I have so many Facebook friends and Instagram followers and Snapchat friends and Tinder matches that I simply won't notice. You won't hurt my feelings.

I'm inviting you to laugh with me. Choose that one. 

So with that being said.

Some of you may know that I dated this guy shortly after my separation from Eric. You know what is the best distraction from dealing with your recent "divorce" and family falling apart? A handsome blue eyed man that is crazy about you.

Polar opposites; the calm to my wild. This law abiding, (enforcing )citizen fell for this crazy mess of a girl who has issues with authority. I tried to omit how many times I've been arrested, but he looked it up. The type of guy that doesn't call you 'Dude'. . He played hookey from work to bring me donuts and watch movies all day. I made him cookies, frequently-- for Valentines Day, when he made the team, when he took a big test-- I made him a birthday cake out of donuts...even though he was on a diet. Something about being in love gets me all domestic. Caught myself drawing hearts on my planner on every day that we spent together. We emailed daily, in between the constant stream of texting and the nightly phone calls I stayed up late to receive. He made me want to get my shit together. I was lovesick. You would be too if someone called you a "hot little fox" on the regular. (Ahh... the fox obsession, explained)

Do you want to puke yet?

Sigh. I could go on and on about our crazy/weird/quirky romance that probably only I think is romantic. But I'll leave it at that. In the end, nothing is ever good enough for me and I ended it. Just kidding, there were a million little reasons and a few big reasons why we needed to move on.

& then I changed my mind and was like 'What, you're not going to chase me?' and thus began this back and forth tug of war of who can pretend to care less. I'm the one blogging about it so I guess he wins.

Breakups suck. 

The breakup was anything but pretty. Now 6 months later... I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Feeling hopeful that someday in the near future I will begin my cat collection. I've decided that the best way to get my head out of my ass and really move on with my life is to get through this. Laugh a little.

Here's 10 things I learned about breakups:

1. Thou shall not create a file of photos of said ex-boyfriend and open it on a regular basis.
          Thou shall create a file including all pictures, emails, and pathetic tumblr pictures that remind you of better days, put it on a disc...and smash it. 

2. Thou shall not create a Tinder account in hopes that one of these assholes will be hotter than said ex-boyfriend. They might be, but you won't notice.
         Thou shall wait until really ready to begin dating again. This goes for hookups too. Actually, I take it back. Dating is great... it's a great distraction. But you'll end up hurting the nice ones and getting hurt by others. Hurt on top of hurt equals a tub of ice cream in your sweat pants. Too many nights like this and your jeans won't fit. 

3. Thou shall not get drunk anywhere near said ex-boyfriend. Especially where he works. Or where you work. Especially if they're the same place.
        Thou shall enlist lots of girl friends for lots of girls nights packed with funny, women empowering movies and wine. Have a trustworthy friend hold your phone and keys and do not document any of this. This includes Snapchat. 

4. Thou shall not drink wine by yourself. Ever. Post breakup or not.
          Thou shall try sparkling water if you need a little kick.

5. Thou shall not re-read old emails for hours at a time.
         Seriously, how many times can one girl read one email? (From what I hear, a lot)

6. Thou shall not try to be friends. Right away.
         Thou shall give it time. Cut the cord. If the friendship is really there, it will still be there when you're done dwelling on what an asshole he is for not realizing how awesome you are. 

7. Thou shall not spoon peanut butter out of the jar while reading old emails. It will go straight to your ass.
           Thou shall get back into gym habits that were neglected for makeout sessions in parking lots.

8. Thou shall not dye or cut hair. You'll regret it. Making yourself uglier doesn't make him regret being a douche.
          Thou shall buy some new lipstick. 

9. Thou shall not send mixed signals and expect him to interpret them correctly. Dating other people means you're dating other people.
        Thou shall be clear and concise about what you want, expect, and hope for. 

10. It's called a breakup because it's broken.