Less House More Home

Something I've been working on since the big separation/move is grasping and accepting the idea that I do not need everything. I don't need a big fancy house or a big fancy car. I don't need to have all the things.

I have everything I need.

(this does not change me from wanting all of the things)

I'm trying to create my life from the inside out. It doesn't look like much... but it is.

You may remember my post about my very first Single Mama Apartment-- when I moved out here, I had a couple twin mattresses and nothing on my walls.

Things have changed.

I've created a home.

With our upcoming move... I couldn't help but feel nostalgic about this place I lovingly refer to as the ghetto.

My babies turned into little boys in this place; Tristan learned to ride his bike in this driveway (and we didn't get shot), Ryan learned the fine art of dragging the chair into the kitchen to get what you want, I completed my first ever educational program (for those that don't know--didn't graduate high school, college dropout), and got my first big kid job...and then we all survived my commute, (and each other) for several months. Tristan learned to pee in the potty, and dress himself. I blinked and he learned to zip his coat up and put his own shoes on. I blinked and Ryan ate the whole tub of peanut butter. He went from barely being able to say 2, to never shutting up. Mommy learned that Champagne has calories. 

I love this place. From the outside, it's nothing special. It's a crap neighborhood and a crap building, but we've done just fine here and I have cherished every moment inside this little apartment.

But there is no feeling in the world like going home.  

You know when you're little and you pack your bag and announce that you're "running away!" and your Mom says, "Well, I will miss you." and helps you pack your bag. You sit on the driveway for 20 whole minutes before you finally give up and go in. But not without thinking "Well, I showed her. Next time, I'll actually leave!"

You want to run away so somebody notices, or something like that. You're young, you're dumb. Your Mom just doesn't get it, clearly. But you know she loves you and it will break her heart if you leave.

That's what it was like for me. Except I didn't sit on the driveway. Actually I did a few times, and then one day I just never went home. It wasn't a big plan, it was a split second decision and I went with it. I went with it every day until it was too late to go home.

I just ran away.

And then I had to start over. And I had to cope with what I did. And my God, it sucked.

I am not a crier...(unless you give me some alcohol and then I'll cry because you looked at me funny or because Chloe isn't allowed to sleep on the bed and I simply can't understand why we made that rule, it's so mean). Instead I lay on the floor with my headphones and I turn the volume up until I drown out my thoughts... I go through several headphones yearly.

So when I finally got the job offer, I did a little happy dance and then sat on the floor and cried.

Happy tears. I finally realized that this empty feeling I've been carrying around felt a lot like being homesick. And moving to my hometown will be the closest thing to home I have been in almost 2 years. And then I cried some more. Like, had to re-do my makeup, ugly cry.

I am relieved, to say the least. I feel like I'm closing a chapter. We'll call it the 'Lost Years' so that I have a name for the shit show my life has been.

Of course, it hasn't been a total loss. Somewhere in this big mess that I made, I began to find things. I found my old self. The one that didn't have to go to play dates, or story time or keep up with Jones'. I found a boy that taught me that being paid attention to is nice, and I quite enjoy it. I found that my friends can be are the family I lost. I found that I can still be myself, and be a Mom.

I'm not totally there yet, but I'm on my way.

So with all that sappy sh*t, I thought I'd share my happy place.

This place, with these kids, brought me such joy in some of the darkest times of my life.

Enjoy :)

It was a good day when I got a bed. 

You don't even want to know how I transported it in my little 2 door Honda. 

It's safe to say that my bed is the favorite. 

Most nights I am joined by at least one little body, and occasionally two. Sometimes I laugh when I wake up to find that one of them has sprawled out at the foot of the bed and one is upside down. One morning I woke up to find that even Chloe had joined us (which she is not allowed to do) and I wasn't even mad. I didn't want to get out of bed. It's cozy this way. 

Of course, just because certain things in my life have changed, doesn't mean I've completely changed. I still love a good trip to Ikea, a day full of Pinterest projects, and of course overspending at Target. 

I have put my heart into making this place my own, and I love the way it's turned out. 

Granted, I am still working on convincing the landlord to rip the carpet up...

But I like it here. It's home.

And just for fun, I made this video last summer and never posted it. An official home tour! :

We are happy here. 

We are kind of bursting at the seams, but it just reminds us that we do not need all the things.

Let them be little; let them be wild

Let them be a little wild 

On Hiking with Toddlers:

A little bit about my history with this great state, hiking and the PNW:

I've spent my life in Washington; a true Seattlelite and PNW-er by nature. I like my Starbucks and I grew up wearing socks with my sandals. I grew up in the Issaquah area, and spent some time in the city after high school. Born in Seattle, lived in Spokane for a few years as a toddler, moved back in the middle of Kindergarden. My grandpa built this gorgeous home (where my mother, an Issaquah High Alumni was raised) on Lake McDonald in Renton, and my grandparents were currently renting it out so they let my mom and her two rambunctious kids live there while she searched for a home. After about a year, my mom bought a nice big house in North Bend with a 1/2 acre yard, just about a mile from Rattlesnake Lake/Ridge. If you stood in my backyard and looked up, there was Mt. Si. 

Being a true Issaquah native, my mother could imagine nothing but the best for her children and therefore she commuted us from North Bend to Issaquah for school so we could get an education and do something with our lives. (Someday, she will get over the disappointment)

Eventually I think the commute was wearing on her, and she gave in and moved us to the city of Issaquah when I was in 6th grade. 

 My mom is more of a mall going kind of woman-- she used to wear boots with heels to our soccer games;  you know... a grassy field full of mud puddles and potholes. (We love her anyway) So had it not been for one of my best friends mother... I may never have seen anything but the inside of a mall. 

Anyway, I spent a fair amount of time with my friend and her mother hiking (and swimming at) Rattlesnake, Little Si, playing down by the river with lots of tanning oil, and endless hours on the trails on Tiger Mountain and the Poo Poo Point trails, and probably plenty others that I don't remember... but eventually grew out of these things and had other interests such as lip gloss, boys, Myspace, underage drinking. 

So while I am not a seasoned hiker, and haven't done a lot of the hikes I feel that I should have (guilt from living here my whole life)... I am also no stranger to it. I decided last year I wanted my boys to have this same kind of opportunity presented to them. Some of my best memories are laughing so hard you realize you have to pee and you're in the middle of the woods. Life lessons 101: learning to pee in the wilderness. You don't know you like something unless you do it, right? (Hiking, not peeing in public)

I was nervous about Ryan running off the top of the mountain. No, seriously. This was a true fear. If you've met Ryan, you know exactly why. But by the time we got to the top, the kid could barely keep his eyes open and his legs could go no further. 

Things I learned on the trail with two toddlers:

1. The crew is the most important part; I am lucky enough to have the most patient friend in the world, and she has met an awesome guy and the two of them are such amazing people in my kids lives.  Seriously, when I count my blessings, these two are at the top of the list. They were so patient with the pace of the kids, and the little tantrums Ryan began to throw when he was just about done. I lack patience and they are serious examples to me. Plus I get annoyed with the constant stream of questions on a daily basis so it's nice to have other people for the kids to talk to. 

2. You can never bring enough water. Seriously. I brought each of us a water bottle, and an extra water bottle and they were all empty by the time we got to the bottom. 

3. I should have carried a bigger bag; hiking with toddlers means trips and falls. While I did pack bandaids and rubbing alcohol, I should have carried a travel emergency kit as well, and a change of clothes for both kids plus wipes (even if your kid isn't in a pullup/diaper-- for mud). I only packed a change of clothes for one, and we used it. Also, garbage bags. For the wet, muddy clothes. 

4. You can never have too many snacks. Fuel while going up, not just at the top. 

5. It's not about the time it takes to get up there. The whole point of taking kids is to teach them and let them take it all in. They hear new noises and they want to know what it is. This is where my crew came in. I'm not so patient with these things (honestly, sometimes I just respond with a "yeah" when my kids talk too much"). 

6. Be prepared to carry one. or both. Luckily, I just had to carry Ryan. He just couldn't quite make it all the way. On the way down, he was all songs and laughter for the first 10 minutes and then I heard a little buzz in my ear and sure enough, the kid was out cold the rest of the way down. But in retrospect, had one of them gotten too tired, and one had gotten hurt... they would have both needed to be carried. So my advice is to plan for that. If there's 3 adults, you don't need 3 backpacks. 

7. TOWELS! For your car. Kicked myself for forgetting this. Especially if you bring your dog. 

We had so much fun and I can't wait to plan the next hike with them!

Confessions of a Tinderella

I. am. so. excited.

To talk about this:

Dating. 

I gotta be honest, I had never been on a real date before. I often tell people when Eric and I met that he came over one night and never left. There was no dating. I think he went home to shower and get clothes once or twice in the first week, and after that it was basically game over.

I fed him lots of pizza, he was defenseless.

Our dates included Taco Time, pizza delivery, and late night Pita Pit runs. We were young and dumb and just wanted to party. We preferred to hold beer pong tournaments and endless nights of Kings Cup at our apartment. We were content and broke and dates just weren't appealing to us. After we mellowed out and our kids were born we did have a few "date nights" but it's really hard to consider going to get dinner with your own money, a date. It takes the fun out of ordering a $10 margarita.

A throwback to what we refer to as our "dating" days:

Our first Valentines Day, we were in the middle of apartment hunting and I was trying not to seem high maintenance, which of course was my first mistake. There are things I am not high maintenance in, such as my appearance (Yikes. I'm trying to be better about going in public looking homeless) and there are things I am high maintenance about, and getting attention from my man is on the top of that list. One thing I have learned about Eric in the past 7 or so years, is that HE'S NOT PRETENDING TO BE DUMB. Jk, jk. He's very smart. But men lack the ability to be mind readers and pick up on things-- such as the THE FOLDER ON THE COMPUTER THAT SAYS "ASHLEY'S CHRISTMAS WISHLIST"-- next relationship, I'll print it out and tape it to the toilet. Men always want something to read while they sit on the toilet.

Anyway... end tangeant. We spent the first half of Valentines Day with me sitting on the couch in a silent rage texting my BFF about what a jerk Eric was being, while he obliviously played video games with his friend. After he finally realized that I was dead silent, which is very rare and a sure sign that I'm secretly plotting your death in my head... he suggested we leave. I think we got half a mile before I snapped some sassy remark about WTF our plans were going to be, in which his response was "You said you didn't really care!" Ha, ha. Men.

We ended up at some fancy restaurant for $50 a plate and left pissed that we didn't just order a pizza.

So that sums up my dating experience.

Until I got this bright idea that I was going to break up with a guy that I was still completely in love with (You can read about him, here). You think you grow out of the game playing and then you start not getting your way and here we are, back in 8th grade expecting men to understand that when we break up with you it's because you're doing something wrong and you should change it and find your way to back to us in a very romantic display of affection. Duh.

I had heard nothing about Tinder except that a coworker had met hot girls off of it.
I downloaded the app at about midnight on a Friday night and within a couple hours I had something like 72 prospects. Holy hell, that was fun.

For those that don't know, Tinder is an app. Oh, I should mention a FREE app. Which means anyone with a smartphone can have one. Anyone. You pick guys (or girls, whatever) solely on their 5 pictures they're allowed and their quick bio. You swipe left which means "Nope" or right which means "Maybe" "Not sure" "He has a truck and a dog?! Future husband" "You'll do" or "You're hot, but I have nothing to say to you".

Things I've learned about the selection process:

• There is no regret like accidentally swiping left on what should have been a right. 
• The guys that have shirtless selfies are the most likely to send you the "Hey, whats up?!" message...in which you will look at and not think about again until the next time they write "Hey!"
• Group pictures: They either don't want you to know which one they are and hope you think they are the cute friend (which they're not) or they're stuck in college and want you to know what a bro they are and all the friends they have. (I have two... soooo your quantity of friends means nothing to me)
• That guy that you have fun convo with but aren't sure because his pictures are hard to tell what he looks like.... you should date. He will be a fun date and even it doesn't work out, you might get lucky and snag a new friend out of it. (which would have upped my count to 3 if he didn't turn out to be such a douche)
• Dont swipe left on people you know. It creates awkwardness. Like, wait... did they swipe because they know me...or because they're into me. I'm just going to unmatch immediately and pretend that didn't happen. 
• Tinder is used for hookups. No matter what they say. The end. (Sorry, Dad)

Once you're done with the swiping, you match with people. So people look at your 5 vainest selfies and read your short but sweet, quirky bio which hopefully gives off a vibe that you're not trying too hard but you're also not a drone and they either swipe left or right with shallow insight, just as you did. Inside their head they've already got their image of you before they've even talked to you. 

Then the communication starts and that's where it gets weird. and fun. and awkward. I never had any intention of meeting anyone off of this so I was surprised when I agreed to give this guy my number. And then meet him 2 days later. After agreeing to meet him, I kinda panicked and immediately told him that I am friends with half the Tacoma Police Department and I have SWAT on speed dial. He overlooked the crazy, and ensured me he would not take me out into the woods and stuff me in a body bag. Phew.  

While that guy (which some of you might remember as the "future 2nd husband") obviously didn't work out, and neither did the next 8, 9, or 15 others. .. I continued to have positive experiences, so I kept at it. It wasn't until I started to realize a pattern with these guys that I started to get frustrated with the whole dating process. And I also eventually deciphered the meaning of "I'm not looking for a hookup, but hey do you want to meet up for drinks?" which is exactly, "I'm looking for a hookup, but if the date goes well, I might call for a second one." 

Ladies and gentlemen, no self respecting person that thinks you have the potential to be in their future would offer or settle for drinks. If you can't buy me an entire god damn salad, you probably can't fill up my gas tank either, and what else are boyfriends for?

Like I said,  I had no prior dating experience! I had no idea what to expect, I didn't quite realize what jerks men could be and I didn't realize how bad I am at letting a guy down easy.

So after a couple months packed full of Tinder dates, I was overwhelmed and quite honestly, having a hard time keeping them straight. Nothing was feeling genuine because I couldn't remember if the guy lived in Gig Harbor or Seattle, and wait, which one is from Montana? So I took a step back and started screening my dates a little bit more cautiously. As in, I started saying no. I limited it to one guy at a time (this sounds like the obvious thing to do, but when 6 or 7 guys are messaging you daily, it's hard to pick just one). I stopped swiping all the time, and in fact, actually deleted my account off and on for several weeks at a time.

The further I got from my fairy tale relationship that was quickly turning into a nasty breakup, the more I realized what I needed to do. Dating is all about mindset. What you put out there is what you get and I wasn't putting out anything I would have wanted.

I started thinking of the places I was in when I met guys that I eventually had healthy relationships with, and I realized the key ingredient was me. So I took a break. I'm working on moving on from both my divorce and my last relationship and focusing on myself, my kids, and getting back into the gym. I haven't given up dating entirely, I'm just not putting my energy into it as much.

And that, my friends is only a sneak peak into the beginning of my dating adventures.

(I have no idea why it didn't work out with anyone and I'm still single.)

Look for my next dating post, where I introduce the 

"Men you meet on Tinder" 

How Not to Deal with a Breakup

A few things before I let you all laugh at me for a few minutes:

Laughter is the best medicine. 

If you can't laugh at yourself, someone else will. 

With that being said, I wake up every day and shake my head at some of the things I do and say. I lack a filter, I'm 27 with a newly developed social anxiety, and on top of all that... I am at the core, myself. Which is someone who may briefly care what others may think, and then I snap at out of it and go back to being myself... I have always, and will always do what I want. Regardless of what anyone else thinks. So with that fiest and fire in me... I make a lot of mistakes, I do a lot of weird/stupid/crazy sh*t and sometimes I'm like 'Hell yeah! That was awesome' and other times... it's a palm to my face. So I end up laughing at myself a lot, and I love the friends that I have that laugh with me, not at me.

If you want to laugh at me, go for it. I won't know. Don't be that person. Don't bother reading this, don't bother following me on social media. Here's the great thing: I have so many Facebook friends and Instagram followers and Snapchat friends and Tinder matches that I simply won't notice. You won't hurt my feelings.

I'm inviting you to laugh with me. Choose that one. 

So with that being said.

Some of you may know that I dated this guy shortly after my separation from Eric. You know what is the best distraction from dealing with your recent "divorce" and family falling apart? A handsome blue eyed man that is crazy about you.

Polar opposites; the calm to my wild. This law abiding, (enforcing )citizen fell for this crazy mess of a girl who has issues with authority. I tried to omit how many times I've been arrested, but he looked it up. The type of guy that doesn't call you 'Dude'. . He played hookey from work to bring me donuts and watch movies all day. I made him cookies, frequently-- for Valentines Day, when he made the team, when he took a big test-- I made him a birthday cake out of donuts...even though he was on a diet. Something about being in love gets me all domestic. Caught myself drawing hearts on my planner on every day that we spent together. We emailed daily, in between the constant stream of texting and the nightly phone calls I stayed up late to receive. He made me want to get my shit together. I was lovesick. You would be too if someone called you a "hot little fox" on the regular. (Ahh... the fox obsession, explained)

Do you want to puke yet?

Sigh. I could go on and on about our crazy/weird/quirky romance that probably only I think is romantic. But I'll leave it at that. In the end, nothing is ever good enough for me and I ended it. Just kidding, there were a million little reasons and a few big reasons why we needed to move on.

& then I changed my mind and was like 'What, you're not going to chase me?' and thus began this back and forth tug of war of who can pretend to care less. I'm the one blogging about it so I guess he wins.

Breakups suck. 

The breakup was anything but pretty. Now 6 months later... I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Feeling hopeful that someday in the near future I will begin my cat collection. I've decided that the best way to get my head out of my ass and really move on with my life is to get through this. Laugh a little.

Here's 10 things I learned about breakups:

1. Thou shall not create a file of photos of said ex-boyfriend and open it on a regular basis.
          Thou shall create a file including all pictures, emails, and pathetic tumblr pictures that remind you of better days, put it on a disc...and smash it. 

2. Thou shall not create a Tinder account in hopes that one of these assholes will be hotter than said ex-boyfriend. They might be, but you won't notice.
         Thou shall wait until really ready to begin dating again. This goes for hookups too. Actually, I take it back. Dating is great... it's a great distraction. But you'll end up hurting the nice ones and getting hurt by others. Hurt on top of hurt equals a tub of ice cream in your sweat pants. Too many nights like this and your jeans won't fit. 

3. Thou shall not get drunk anywhere near said ex-boyfriend. Especially where he works. Or where you work. Especially if they're the same place.
        Thou shall enlist lots of girl friends for lots of girls nights packed with funny, women empowering movies and wine. Have a trustworthy friend hold your phone and keys and do not document any of this. This includes Snapchat. 

4. Thou shall not drink wine by yourself. Ever. Post breakup or not.
          Thou shall try sparkling water if you need a little kick.

5. Thou shall not re-read old emails for hours at a time.
         Seriously, how many times can one girl read one email? (From what I hear, a lot)

6. Thou shall not try to be friends. Right away.
         Thou shall give it time. Cut the cord. If the friendship is really there, it will still be there when you're done dwelling on what an asshole he is for not realizing how awesome you are. 

7. Thou shall not spoon peanut butter out of the jar while reading old emails. It will go straight to your ass.
           Thou shall get back into gym habits that were neglected for makeout sessions in parking lots.

8. Thou shall not dye or cut hair. You'll regret it. Making yourself uglier doesn't make him regret being a douche.
          Thou shall buy some new lipstick. 

9. Thou shall not send mixed signals and expect him to interpret them correctly. Dating other people means you're dating other people.
        Thou shall be clear and concise about what you want, expect, and hope for. 

10. It's called a breakup because it's broken.