All my friends are getting married.

All my friends are getting married and I'm just stocking up on self-help books, dating Mr. Right Now and getting so drunk I can't find my phone. Oh and a divorce. I'm getting a divorce!

... I feel like the plague.

My divorce was the best thing that happened to me (besides my kids) and my marriage was the second, (besides my kids). So, in order that makes the minions to be the best thing, the divorce second and the marriage 3rd. I have no bitterness or sadness about that, and it doesn't make me any less happy for my friends that are getting married. None of their engagements weren't all THAT surprising...You know how people say you just know. So do us friends. It has all felt very natural, like the next thing to happen for them. I could not imagine them with anyone else and I am beyond thrilled for them. Do I still worry about them? Yes. Maybe it's the motherly nature I've developed, or maybe its my experience. But either way, I am worried.

I married the right guy and I still got divorced.

It's been a tradition amongst me and my friends for a long time for me to be the one that dives in head first only to realize it's a pond, not a lake and I come up with a bloody head and a concussion. They learn from my mistakes. So for tradition sake, and because I love these people more than words could ever express... as well, as kinda like standing on a soap box every now and then... here's some marriage advice from a soon-to-be divorce'...

To my knowledge,  my divorce had nothing to do with my lack of baking skills...although one can never be too sure. 

It is no secret that I openly tell people that I love my husband. Err...soon to be ex-husband. You know, the one that I am divorcing, have lived a separate life from for over 2 years now, and the same one that I refuse to work things out with. The way I describe it now is "unconditional love". Nobody pisses me off more and there's not any other soul I would go to the end of the world for. But if you ask me to live in the same house again, I'll politely say I have other plans. (I'm also in love with a different man some days, so don't get this all twisted.)

Aw, aren't we cute! So, like... Why did we get divorced?

Well, that's none of your business. But the real reason we got divorced is this:

• While we had a great relationship, we were the best of friends and I believe he may just have been "the one"... we didn't have the tools we needed to learn how to function when we didn't agree. And we didn't agree on a lot of things.
• While we were busy baby-making, producing those babies, and tending to their every need, we forgot about taking care of each other.
• The little things became the big things.

Of course, I didn't know any of this WHILE I was married.

So first, let me preface this: Marriage a balancing act, so don't be surprised when some of this contradicts the other And if you've heard it a million times, I'm sorry for that too but it just means I'm as wise now as the rest of the world tried to make me 5 years, so read this and take it to heart because I'm not getting paid for this.

& FINALLY:

1. Go to bed mad sometimes if you must. If it's 4am and you have to work at 6, call it a night and vow to come back to it. Don't sweep it under the rug, but a fresh head might help. THE COUCH IS OFF LIMITS. You wanna go to bed mad, that's your choice but you get to share the bed with that infuriating human being because you actually love them and they just really make you mad sometimes. Also, you might wake up to find that the other person is cuddling you in their sleep :)

2. The little things become the big things, both good and bad. Don't forget all the little things that made your heart race. Don't ALWAYS overlook the little annoyances. If it's a big deal to your spouse, but it's not to you...take that to heart, and make an effort.

3. PICK YOUR BATTLES. Express your feelings, but realize that sometimes it's best to let it go. Like, say if he always puts his boxers just outside of the hamper, instead of in it. Let that one go and focus on getting to places on time.

3. Date night: you HAVE to do it. Even if you're tired and you don't want to get dressed. Redbox & your couch do not qualify as date night. Neither does the restaurant you take your (future) kids to.

4. Learn to say you're sorry and what that word means. Sorry means you won't do it again (this is what I tell my 3 &5 year olds, but it's the truth. Sorry means nothing if you keep doing it and use the word only for forgiveness).

5. The marriage comes before the kids. Can.Not.Stress.This.Enough.

6. Don't let sweatpants get the best of you. Yeah, I'm talking to you.

7. Learn how to argue. Without yelling. without name calling. Read all the books, see all the therapists. Do whatever you can to learn how to have a healthy argument. This is so important. There will be stressful times. You will argue.

8. Develop interests together. Don't get boring. Getting comfortable is awesome! It's the best part of marriage, but getting lazy and boring is not good for anyone. This also doesn't include family activities when the kids come. This is strictly for the two of you to do just the two of you, or with another couple occasionally if you choose.

9. Have your own interests. This doesn't mean liking your own show. This means find something that makes you happy. That you can go and do when you need some space.

10. This one is tricky so here's the best advice I can offer on this subject: Choose wisely who AND WHAT you vent to/about. It's not healthy to bottle everything in but venting to your Mom or all of your friends about EVERYTHING isn't good either. Venting to coworkers is a no go, and that random new friend that is attractive is a no go as well. You cant vent to me and I'll nod and smile and pretend to listen and I'm really good at not taking sides. You'll get it out of your system, I'll get free wine. It's a win win. That's what I'm here for.

11. If you never stop doing what you did to win this person over, you'll never lose them.

12. Love is like your favorite comfy sweatshirt. You have to take really good care of it to make it last so long. (you also can't get fat. Don't do that anyway, unless there's a baby in you.)

13. Don't forget about your friends. Ok, this one had a slightly ulterior motive. But don't forget about me!!!

And last but not least....

Sometimes... the worse, comes before the better.

Hindsight is 20/20 and if I had known what I know now, I would have done things differently. I would have listened to the advice that was given, I would have backed down a few times, and I would have tried a little harder. But I didn't and now I'm here and maybe this is why... so that I can help my friends determine what is and isn't worth it, and share my insight. I'm not nearly as expensive as a professional counselor, I only want your company and free wine.

xoxo,
Best wishes, congrats, good luck, break a leg, etc etc to all of my soon to be wed friends!!

Self Help: Get the F*ck Over It

I spend a lot of time thinking about my "About Me" section on various dating sites that I don't really use for any reason other than its nice to get messages from guys that think I'm attractive. Who cares if they haven't seen the inside of a gym, or a shower in years. Oh hey 48 year old man with a beer belly 3 times the size of my ass... I'm super glad you like my hammock. I mean it's great that you would like to get to know me and have dropped your unique pick up line that you created strictly for this site. Really, it is. I'm flattered and I'm also never going to respond.

Anyway, I frequently contemplate what to write. Is it too crazy to just flat out write "I'M A F*CKING PSCYHO" or should I be somewhat more nonchalant about it "All good things are wild & free"-- which is code for I'm a crazy ass b*tch. I've noticed, the less you write...the more messages you get. They all say the same thing "You're so mysterious." "I'm so curious about you" blah blah blah. So I like to lay it all out there, like really let them know what they're getting into. Less messages to sift through. 

                                   

"Hi, my name is Ashley. If we go on a date and you treat me like crap, I will blog about it and blame my single status on the sole basis that all men are the same, therefore you will single handedly be responsible for men sucking everywhere."

Anyway.

Did you know what I'm a self-help book lover? I bet you didn't. You probably just think I have all this wisdom from my extensive life experience full of 27 years of bad judgement. Nope. Everything I learned, I learned in the self-help aisle. (also known as the wine aisle)

But seriously. Whenever I have been in the depths of emotions, despair...when I CANT EVEN.. I head to Barnes and Noble and stock up on a load of self-help books.

CLEARLY THEY'RE NOT DOING THEIR JOB.

So as I'm browsing Amazon for help on getting over my latest love affair. OH WAIT, you mean the one I wrote about 6 months ago? Yeah, that one... I realize that while I've been putting books into my cart, I've also just written the best About Me I can think of, via book titles:

"Don't worry, it gets worse"
"My boyfriend wrote a book about me"
"Psychos"
"White Girl Problems"
"I was told there'd be cake"
"Life as I Blow it"
"Bitter is the new black"
"You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning"

If this doesn't accurately depict my life... then I don't know what does.

I scanned past all of the titles
"Rebuilding"
"Getting past your breakup"

aka how to suffocate.

I wish I could find my answers in a book like that. But I can't.

I'm looking for a book that is going to slap me in the face and tell me to "Get the F*ck over it"

So instead of drowning myself in boring advice that may actually help me, I indulge in hilarious novels that make me feel better about myself. I get to read about inappropriate things that don't have my name stamped across it, laugh my ass off at someone else's misfortune, and get my self-help by the gaining the knowledge that I'm not the only seriously f*cked up person out there, because someone had to write that and tons of people are reading it. Solidarity, my crazy friends.

But seriously, can someone write a book for me so I can reference back to it every other hour when I need to be reminded to get the f*ck over it. He's just a boy.

Please & thank you.

2 Year Celebration!

2 years!!!!!

Since my little life got flip turned upside down.

Kind crazy to think about-- It feels like yesterday and an entire lifetime ago all at the same time.

I will never stop celebrating. I will never stop feeling grateful for each and every moment I spend in this "new life". I will forever be grateful for all the stones in the road. I am building a castle. (Didn't you hear stones are expensive these days?)

They say you don't find your strength without the struggle. Well, the struggle over here has been realer than real. But it's said for a reason. It isn't until you're 11 hours deep into a shift after pulling an all nighter from doing homework, or trying to find childcare 25 minutes before you have to be at work, selling baby items for gas money that you realize... I'm going to be okay. No matter what.

I'm going to be okay because this is what I want. I chose this. The weight that was lifted, and the security and confidence that came with my choices is worth all the long days, the seriously endless pile of laundry, and the missing picket fence.

My transition from Stay-at-Home Mom and Housewife to Single Mother has been less than easy.

I survived because of endless living room dance parties to "Shake it Off", because of great friends who just asked "What do you need? How can I help". Because of Mimosa's and brunch in the same clothes as last night. I survived because of little baby feet in my face, goodnight texts, hammocks, porch parties, and great neighbors. People I just met believing in me, my PIMA family. I survived because I hit my feet to the pavement over and over, found my passion, found myself. Because of all the people that wanted to see me fail. I saw their faces in the back of my mind each and every time I wanted to give up.

So for that, I celebrate! I try to be grateful each and every day, and I try to remember. My journey won't be easy, but there is a reason behind it and that reason gives me the strength I need when I want to chuck plates at the wall.

Home is anywhere I make it.

Things will never be perfect. I will always have to explain why I can't go with them to Daddy's house. I will always have to explain why we take separate trips. And some day I'm going to have to explain why Mommy and Daddy decided to live apart.

BUT GUESS WHAT!!

My parents did it. Some of my friends parents did it.
I think we're all okay.

"A little messed up, but we're all okay"

& guess what else...

There is life. There is love. There is hot sex. There is laughter. There is peace. There is family.

....after divorce.

Marriage is glamorized. Being a hard working single mother is glamorized.

Nobody talks about, blogs about, photographs the late nights where they're crying and arguing with a spouse, crying because they know they're only going to get 4 hours of sleep, they don't reveal the loneliness that can occur in and out of marriages, the financial and emotional strain that comes with children. Who wants to post about their long DSHS call while their single, childless friends post about how some guy at the gas station was using their tax dollars to buy food, who wants to take a picture of the baby puke that just flew all over them in the middle of the night, the moments that make you question your ability to parent all at the same time, because somebody might call CPS. Nobody posts the thoughts that make them wonder if they're cut out for motherhood. Or the thoughts that make you think you should've just been a stripper....(not my thoughts, I swear.....#ihatemath)...

& that's okay. Because who wants to dwell in that?

Let's celebrate!

#HAPPYTWOYEARS!