How to be found

Lost & Found

How I got through some seriously tough shit without ever seeing a therapist

For someone so open, vocal and outspoken, this might come as a shock-- BUT I have this really bad habit of keeping certain aspects of my life to myself. And not in a healthy, privacy kind of way. In like, a "I don't want to hear what other people think because I know I'm wrong" kind of way. Or if I really need help I won't ask for it. If things get too hard, I tend to internalize it until I just can't take it anymore and then it all comes out in some really insane way, like throwing my keys at my ex-boyfriend while he was on duty as a police officer.

I'd like to say that was years ago, and wow I've learned so much since then, but that isn't all true. It happened last spring and it's a night I replay in my head frequently. Not only did I absolutely lose my shit, but I did it in front of a lot of people. Coworkers, strangers, people who I had been interacting with on a regular basis for a year and a half. Do you ever want to disappear?

Rock bottom? Maybe.

While it wasn't years ago, I can say that I HAVE learned a lot since then.

I had to re-find myself. Again. I get lost every now and then.


LOST:
About 10 years ago, something happened to me that changed my life. Up until this point in my life, I had never thought that "it would happen to me". I had that teenage invincible cloak on and I definitely thought I could do whatever I wanted and things would still be okay. I had also never kept a secret from anyone. Two things happened: I learned how to keep a secret, and I realized that it DID just happen to me.

FOUND: Ok, so I cried and I moved on. (This isn't really called being found... this is called stumbling through life.)

LOST: 2 years later, that whole "it won't ever happen to me" happened again. I'm sitting in my car at 7 AM with a bloody nose, a black eye, and a broken cheekbone. The right side of my face had swollen so much my face was borderline unrecognizable. I was as shell shocked as if this had been the first time he had ever hit me. I found a pair of sunglasses in the glovebox, put my hood on and went inside. I cleaned the blood off, and then I did the craziest thing I've ever done. I called into work and then I went to bed. I stayed in that relationship and I kept that secret too.

FOUND: Met the loves of my life. Two tiny humans made their way into my heart and tore down all my walls. It's funny because people always think that when you become strong, you become hard. But I found my strength in them, and my heart got a little softer.

LOST: Things start getting tough in my marriage. I also had a lot of extra baby weight and it was making me hate myself. A lot of self-loathing. I joined a gym and I started working out. That helped with the weight and got me out of the house, but it didn't change me.

FOUND: What really changed me was when I started running. I'm a terrible runner. I run slow and if I have to run over 5 miles it turns into a stop and go situation. It's hard to believe now, but there was a time that I was actually WORSE than I am now. The first time I went out for a run, all I could think was surely I've gone half a mile by now, wtf I can't breathe. Nike plus said .25 miles. I went home.

I'm not entirely sure why, but I kept doing it. There was something about the idea that if I just kept putting one foot in front of the other I could keep going. I started running away from my house as far as I could in order to force myself to run the distance instead of face the shame of having to walk back. It wasn't just the physical challenge, it was the music, the alone time... it was all of it. It felt good. I felt good. It felt like the therapy I couldn't afford. So I just kept on going. I laced up whenever I could and I got lost in it. Or rather, I got found in it...

LOST: Fast forward a couple years and my life is completely falling apart for the 17th time in my life. The stress of being a single mom has kicked in, working 2-3 jobs and I still can't afford all my bills, my on and off again "relationship" is hitting an all time low and causing a lot of depression and anxiety, and my jeans don't fit.

FOUND: And then my best friend returns from her travels abroad/out of state move. You never realize how much you miss/love someone until you haven't seen them in months and you finally see each other again and realize you're still 14 years old-- crying over boys, laughing at cat memes, taking double chin selfies, but mostly understanding each other in silence. Dare I say, my soulmate. We have surely had our ups and downs, even months of fights where we swore we'd never be friends ever again. I think through the years, we have learned a couple things but mostly that life is too short to fight over boys and other trivial shit. So we were both a little broken, but still insanely weird and nobody else gets us. Some things had changed but the best things hadn't. We both needed some extra exercise and less booze and thought some fresh air would do us some good. We set out for our first hike together to see what the hype was all about and I swear, it was one of those days I'll never forget. I can't remember what we talked about. All I remember is sitting on top of a mountain with this person who just fucking got it. You know when you say, "You know what I mean?" and the other person says "Yeah, man" and you know that they do. That's how I felt. I finally felt like none of the shit below me mattered. Who cares?

We didn't. We drank our coffee and sat on top of the world and gave zero fucks to anyone else that day. We were just happy in the company of each other, free from judgement and free from the trivial things that won't matter in a year.

(Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter- Dr. Seuss )

How to get found:

Accept that we are only human. We don't always make the best decisions or know the right thing to do. Sometimes we do things because they feel right, and then it doesn't work out. You can have every good intention in the world, and still somehow end up off the trail because of outside forces. Maybe the trail was closed, or unexpected winds came. Maybe you just didn't use your map because you're a rebel like that. Or the road less traveled looked really appeasing and now you don't know where the fuck you are. Sometimes we get lost and we have to go in search of finding ourselves again, and through the years I've learned that it's totally okay... as long as you keep coming back. It's taken me years to re-find myself, and I've had a hell of a good time doing it. I mean, I jumped out of a plane this year. I ran a lot and I wandered through the woods a lot. I made a couple giant mistakes, I made an ass out of myself, I lost a couple friends along the way, and I gained a few. I accomplished a lot, and I was humbled to the floor. I just lived. And you know what, I'll probably get lost again and I'll have to start all over again. And it'll be another chapter in my adventurous story.

I've learned that sometimes you get a little lost and you can use your own sense of direction to get you back. You'll be back by dinner and nobody will have noticed. Sometimes though, we travel a little farther off the trail and we might miss dinner and those we eat with might be concerned. And other times we'll get really lost and we won't be able to find our way back on our own. We'll need a search and rescue team.

But here's the thing: you have to want to be found. People that want to be lost don't send smoke signals for rescue teams.

So go for a hike. Get a little lost. But send the smoke signals. Call your best friend, or your mom. If you don't ask for help, you won't ever get it.

Always be prepared. There's a reason hikers and climbers bring bags-- emergency kits, flares, extra jackets, water, food, etc.  Because it can happen to you.

When you get to the top, the view is so worth the struggle. I've never met a person that huffed and puffed up a mountain only to say, "Well this sucks".

And last but not least, bring a beer or something. Cake. Bring cake. Celebrate your victories. Afterall, you did just make it to the top of a mountain and the view is so good.

Here's the best part: I finally got myself a therapist. Maybe this time, I won't get so lost.

I can't ever say it enough-- but in the spirit of being thankful this month... I am beyond thankful for my search and rescue team. Thanks for finding me and bringing me back.