I can't officially use the D word because we are not divorced yet. Did you know that? Funny. We are not. It's kinda confusing sometimes because I'll be like "Oh, that's my husband... wait no, my ex-husband...wait, yes. My husband." And people just look at me. I think they want to give me a sympathetic pat on the head.
Confusing. Somewhat similar to my identity crisis.
I changed my name. I was SO EXCITED. I was going to have ONE, normal last name. Having a hyphenated name your whole life, is the worst. Parents: don't do it. I told Eric when we got married that I didn't care what happened, I was never changing my name again. First of all, it is a HUGE hassle. So when forever was not forever, but a mere 3 1/2 years... I began to freak out about what I should do. I am not Ashley Gibson-Jory anymore, nor do I ever want to be. But I felt weird being a Thompson because I am no longer included in this family. Ah, but I am. I am the mother of two little boys who will carry this name and ARE a part of this family. So I stayed. I decided that I will remain a Thompson until, or if... I ever meet anyone else whose last name is so awesome, I want to have it.
End tangeant. I have a lot of these because my mind is constantly in 100 different places and 100 different directions. If you've ever had a conversation with me, you know this. I'll be like "omg and then he said this, ok but wait, let me tell you this story so that you understand why he said this, and then... ok wait, why did I start telling this story?"
Ok, but seriously.
I haven't posted anything emotional in over a year. Not because I don't have emotions anymore, but because I have so many, they don't even make sense. Or... they didn't. So I'm officially about a year and a half into this separation, and I'm finally ready to talk about it... life, that is.
Life after marriage, life after the life you planned doesn't work out.
Ah, life goes on. It does, indeed.
Sometimes you think it won't, but it does.
You know what the hardest part about breaking up is? Learning a whole new life. Making new friends, alone. Losing the friends you thought were your friends, the family you learned to love despite your differences.
Nobody ever gets married thinking they're going to get divorced, right?
So we plan; we plan a whole life. We combine our hearts, our dreams, our finances, our families, our stuff. And then one day, you're saying "Ok, you keep the dishes, I'll buy new ones. Here, have this... can I keep this?" Those conversations suck. It's just stuff, but it's stuff at some point you wanted that you'll have to replace, or learn to live without. I decorated an entire house of our stuff, and then suddenly, here I am in this tiny apartment and I don't have enough things to fill it. I have nothing on the walls, and all my frames are filled of family pictures and engagement photos and wedding photos. (Fast forward a year and a half, I have no room left in said tiny apartment)
I was 20 when I met Eric. I grew up in the same city my whole life. I have had the same friends since 1st grade, and when I went to school out of high school... I went with one of my best friends. I never had to be completely alone. I never had to worry about not having friends.
So at 25, I set out for the first time by myself. I got a new job in a new city. I knew one person. Luckily, she is my person. But still, it has been challenging. I don't make friends as easily these days because I have nothing in common with people my age.
I'm a divorced, single mother of two. TWO. That makes a big difference. Most people my age are either 'never married/no kids', married with kids, married with no kids, or young mothers who have never been married and have ONE kid.
So I don't fit into the late 20's single scene, and I don't fit into the Mom scene. Ah, can't win em all.
(Currently in search for the purrfect cat collection. Taking furry donations.)
It's an awkward stage. It's awkward to be me these days.
I never used to feel insecure about who I am, or the choices I've made. I've always been a confident girl/woman and yet here I am at 27... afraid to tell people I'm divorced because I know the first thing they'll want to do is run for the door. Leaving out the fact that I have kids until the 2nd date because all the guys I want to date think they're too good for Single Mom's.
I get anxiety about having to be social without alcohol, and then anxiety about having to be social with alcohol because I know I'll end up drinking too much. Nervous to post my kids on Social Media because I know it's a turn off to guys, nervous to post anything on Social Media because some guy I never met told me I post too much.
Haha, who is this girl?
So with that being said, I'm trying really hard to find that woman who was proud to be a Mom, who never got embarassed that she laughs too loud, or talks too much.
Thanks for bearing with me.
Thanks to those who have watched me awkwardly fumble through this phase in my life, and have not passed judgement. Thanks to those who still love me, even though I don't know what to do with my hands.
